Realization
by annachibi
Summary: PG13 because of the suicide aspect: Heero finally successfully self-destructs, and the other pilots each have their own emotional struggles with his death.


Author's Note: I usually strive to keep away from fanfic clichés, but in this case, the death of Heero happens to turn out well. The first time I disclosed this fanfic to the net, it had an incredibly good response. One might wonder how an open-casket funeral would be possible if Heero's body had been destroyed, but a person emailed me about her uncle who reconstructed peoples' faces that had been shot, etc., and thus proved my idea plausible. That's just a little reminder to authors out there: readers aren't as stupid as we think. ^_~  
--Anna Chibi  


_"**Realization**"_

. . .  
"Heero, don't do it, buddy! Come on, hands off the button... We can get through this!"  
"Duo, I've made up my mind. The war is over. There is no reason for me to live."  
"That's not true! You can still have a life!"  
"You can't convince me, Quatre. None of you can. Goodbye..."  
A blur of red, yellow, and orange sparks lit the dark sky and stars. Heero, torn by the explosion, let out a cry of pain. But in outer space, no one can hear you scream. That is, unless they still have you on their communication screen. Duo did.  
. . .  
Duo didn't ever want to hear that awful noise again, though it had haunted his dreams every night since then. He might have been able to take it from someone else, but from Heero it was unbearable. He couldn't ever imagine anything like that coming from his best friend's mouth.  
"Best.. friend..." Duo said the words aloud just to hear what they sounded like. Had he ever been able to call someone a best friend before? Solo. Yes, the one he got his name from. Solo was also dead.  
"Damn! Why does everything I love get taken from me?!" Duo shouted, banging his fist on his hotel bed. He wished it could have made more noise, just to distract him from his melancholy thoughts. Was that why he was always so loud? To distract him from his past? To wash out the bits and pieces of memories he had of his parents? To drown the remembrance of the ones he cared for? Tears came to the boy's eyes and he wiped them away with the back of his hand.  
"Heero wouldn't cry. He wouldn't show any emotion," he told himself. "No! Why do I keep thinking of him? I should get on with my life and forget about him... Shouldn't I?"  
The clock beside the bed began to beep. Duo hit the button hard in anger. He hadn't gotten hardly any sleep for two days, the two days since Heero had died. Today was Heero's funeral. What would happen? Who would cry? Who would care enough to? Would anyone even come?  
Duo got up and put on the formal black tuxedo he had gotten the day before. Then he tucked his cross necklace down underneath it, next to his heart.  
****  
Trowa, the night before, was making last-minute preparations for the funeral in the church where the service was to be held. Quatre had just gone home to get some sleep but Trowa had stayed, just staring at the casket Heero was to be put in. He sat and thought. He thought about everything that had happened since he met the young pilot. Sure, Heero wasn't the most compassionate person, but he had an aura like no other. Trowa was sure that Heero was in heaven, if that place even existed. Heero had gone to meet his "Maker" as Duo would say. Trowa's lips curled up in an almost-smile and tears blurred his vision. He walked over and sat down in one of the pews and looked up at the stained glass window in front of him. It depicted Jesus on the Cross, as one would expect to be in a church. But Trowa saw a picture of Heero on the window, being blown to pieces in his Gundam. The tears spilled over Trowa's cheeks now, dripping onto the wooden pews. It was true, the way people always said you never appreciated something until it was gone. Lost forever. Only the lingering memory of what had been.  
The next morning, Trowa got up and put on his forest green suit and tie. He wouldn't normally wear something like this, but it was the least he could do to look decent at Heero's funeral.  
****  
After Quatre had left Trowa at the church, he drove his van to the place where the five pilots had stayed together during the times when they had no missions. It was still standing, surprisingly, as everything else had been either destroyed or torn down after the war. But the apartment was still there, full of memories and littered with broken dreams for the future. Just as Quatre was about to leave, a little car pulled in the driveway of the rugged building. Five people got out. Quatre assumed it was a family with three children, by the look and size of the people. He turned off his automobile and opened the door to get out and talk to the family.  
"Excuse me! Please, excuse me!" he shouted to them, running up to the man and woman.  
"Oh, do we know you, young man?" the woman asked.  
"No, I don't think so. Do you live here?"  
"Yes. Why do you ask?"  
"My friends and I used to live here," Quatre said with his gaze averted, like he was admiring the old structure. "I'm sorry to barge in on your privacy like this. It's just that... this place..." His voice trailed off as he almost choked on tears that were forming in his throat. The man placed his hand on Quatre's shoulder.  
"No need to apologize. I understand how you must feel. The war has left many people feeling a bit sentimental. I'm Paul. Nice to meet you," he said, putting out his hand. Quatre shook it.  
"I'm Quatre Winner. It's a pleasure to meet all of you."  
Paul's wife stepped forward.  
"I'm Laura Thompson and these are our children Kammy, David, and Sandra."  
"Sandra... That's a pretty name."  
The smallest girl, with light blonde hair and striking green eyes, looked up at him.  
"Thank you, sir," she said timidly.  
For the first time in two days, Quatre laughed. He went home that night feeling happier than he had been for a while. In the morning, he felt refreshed and ready for what he was about to face. What could be harder than an open-casket funeral? He shuddered and remembered the shy little girl from the night before. She would grow up strong and bold, like a small sprout budding into the perfect flower.  
"Perfect... perfect soldier..." Quatre's eyes filled. He couldn't keep his mind off his deceased friend. "Why did Heero have to die? Why couldn't he have stayed with us? Why..." Quatre choked, but told himself to save it for later, when he would need it the most.  
****  
COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO!!!  
Wufei woke up in his tent, his eyes and pillow damp. He had been dreaming of Heero again. That horrible night that Heero had finally taken his life. Wufei thought life had to be worth a little more than that. He groped for his clothes and found a tuxedo instead of his usual outfit. The funeral. He had almost forgotten.  
"Injustice! How could I have forgotten?!" He lectured himself for being so stupid. Then he proceeded to put his uncomfortable outfit on. When he ripped a hole in his sock, he told himself off again.  
"I am so arrogant! Can I not do anything right?!" Then he stumbled outside and hit his head on a rock and dirtied his fresh clothes.  
"AHH! Why am I so destructive this morning?!" Instead of trying to find an answer to his question, he settled for dusting off his tux and redoing his hair. Then he hopped in his jeep and turned the ignition. The car sputtered and didn't start. Wufei continued to try the key until he was too frustrated to do anything but yell.  
"INJUSTICE!!! I shall be late for the most important thing in my life! And then, how will I forgive myself? Wait a minute..." Wufei had a moment of self-realization. "Why... why would I not forgive myself? Forgive myself for what? Being late? I have been late for things before.. This is different. But why?"  
He hesitated, thinking this through his head, then slammed his fists down on his car horn.  
"Because Heero is dead! Why can I not believe it when I saw it happen with my own two eyes? Is because he has tricked us into believing that he was dead before? Is it because I keep thinking that he is not? Or is it.. is it that I don't want to believe it at all?"   
At his last words, Wufei broke. He cried, finally realizing what he had tried not to believe since the beginning. Since the two days that Heero had been dead, he had been in denial. Had the others also been telling themselves the same thing?  
****  
The funeral service was beautiful. Everyone that had been invited had attended. The Gundam pilots sat in the front row, with Relena in between Duo and Quatre. All of them had used a few tissues. All except for Duo. Duo kept a face that reminded them of Heero, which made the whole thing even worse for them. Duo, the one who should have wielded tearful smiles at the poems and stories told by everyone about Heero. But Duo just sat there with a face like a statue, showing no happiness or pain. Finally, it was time for them to walk by the casket. Relena went first with Quatre by her side. As she saw him, she burst out in sobs and Quatre lent her a shoulder to cry on. Trowa blinked several times and swallowed lumps when he went by. Wufei said a few words in Chinese to his poor friend. Then was Duo's turn. He went up with his emotionless face and stood for a few moments, staring at the body in the casket.  
"Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry..." he murmered to himself. He found that he couldn't tear himself from the sight of his friend. Heero's closed eyes and peaceful sort of nature racked Duo's brain, telling him exactly what he didn't want to hear. Heero - is - dead.  
"Boys.. don't... don't cry!" Duo choked out his words and sank to his knees. In spite of his efforts not to, he cried. He covered his face with his hands and wept. Trowa came to his aid and helped him up, moving him to a pew in the corner where the pilots were also having their moments of peace.  
"It's all right, Duo," Quatre comforted through his own tears. "Sometimes it's good to cry a little."  
Duo didn't respond, but put his head on Quatre's already wet shoulder. Quatre cried harder and hugged Duo close as Trowa and Wufei sat on the other side of them.  
"Quatre's right," Trowa agreed. "Heero would be glad to know we cared about him."  
"Injustice!" Wufei said, trying to cheer them up. "Heero does know. He can see us now, isn't that right, Quatre?"  
Quatre nodded meekly and let go of Duo, whose sobs had gotten considerably quieter. They sat for a few moments, each of them thinking different thoughts, until Duo spoke up.  
"Where do we go now?"  
"Well, I don't know. How about we take things one step at a time?" Quatre said.  
Duo thought that over in his head. One step at a time. Small steps. He could do that, taking little steps toward his goals for the future. Heero wouldn't want him to live in the past. 


End file.
